For normal people, it’s easy to go outside countries. You just go to the airport, ask where planes going to your destination are parked, get on a plane of your choice, pay the conductor and go.
For Ugandans, however, it’s a whole different sausage. To go outside countries, all they do is change accents and then they become summers*. What they forget is the industry of going outside countries has continuously evolved into something much much bigger than just changing accents.
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For instance, if you want people to know you visited London without revealing that it was actually London Pub in Kabalagala, simply follow the instructions below:
1. Start by disappearing. Buy a bunch of DVDs, lock yourself in the house for a week and switch off your phone.
2. For some, however, switching off the phone could prove tricky cos you have to call the DVD guy and complain about the Chinese subtitles. So it’s okay. Keep the phone on. But when people call, always make sure there’s a 5-second-delay between their questions and your answers. They should know that your words first have to board a plane before reaching them.
3. Even when you type your messages, the letters should be at least 5cm apart.
4. And whenever you update your Facebook, make sure your location is set to “Outside Countries”.
5. As soon as you come out of hiding, change your accent. Make sure there’s ‘r’ in every word. It doesn’t matter that it’s British. By law. all outside accents have to have an ‘r”.
6. “IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU” is wrong. “IRT WARRZ NRRICE TARRRKING TOR YOURRRRR” is correct. For a more comprehensive tutorial, tune in to the nearest Ugandan English radio station.
7. In every conversation you bump into, drop the name of something famous from outside countries. When you walk into a room of people talking about malaria in Nakapiripirit district, tell them about the Eiffel Tower you saw the other day in New York when you flew to London.
8. At this point, you may notice a confused look on their faces that almost borders anger. That’s good. It’s the “Eh mama!” look. It means they’re envious. Pull a chair and show them some pictures of other beautiful places you visited. But make sure they have no watermarks. Google Images tends to do that sometimes.
If you’ve followed instructions above, congratulations! You’re officially a summer. We wish you a pleasant stay in Uganda.
PS: This guidebook also applies to people who have travelled to countries that can just as well be reached by road. Those are not outside countries. They are districts whose funds were swindled before they could be set up.
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*Summer
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| A Ugandan who buys an American accent on the black market but forgets the instruction manual. | |
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