A few weeks ago, Uganda sent two of its citizens to a house in South Africa to drink alcohol, be loud, try to be witty and attempt to undress someone of the opposite sex in the hope that all other Africans watching them do all this would be thoroughly entertained and would vote to keep them in the house. The search for the citizens to send for this national calling was very thorough; millions of Ugandans were lined up and asked to binge drink while doctors smelt their breath and gauged how high they were. They were then asked to talk and professional funny people listened and rated their jokes using the Joke Factor Index. Their clothes were then rated based on style, haute couture, Feng Shui and a lot of other complex fashion things. They were asked to sit still in a room and timing was done to see how long it would take before they pluck out their nails and pull out their hair. They were also made to sit uncomfortably close to annoying people and their facial contortions were monitored 3,000 times per second to rate their capacity to stomach BS.
Two citizens emerged on top; these were given Visas, bundled onto a plane and sent to Mandela’s country.
Big Brother: The Chase…of Ugandans
(Fast Forward)
Those citizens are both back in the country; hopefully back at their old jobs.
Big Brother evictee: Boss, be easy. I know I said I’d be gone three months but….
ULK resident social pundit, Samson Amanyi Mangi Jusa, was asked why the Ugandans were kicked out so fast. He sent a long email, we summarized it:
The game wasn’t about corruption
We didn’t send Sharone O’s legs
The prize money wasn’t money from Donors
We didn’t send someone good at staying under the radar, like Ziggy Dee. Big brother would evict everyone and discover at the very end that Ziggy Dee was still in the house, drying his face using the hand dryer in the loo
We didn’t send someone who can’t be kicked out. (Cough) Sevo.
We didn’t send someone who’d steal the drawers off girls. (Cough) Opondo
We didn’t send someone who has people skills. (Clears throat) Bad black. She’d talk to Big brother and he’d give her the money to buy land in Uganda
We didn’t send someone who’d make all the girls in the house pregnant by looking at them. Golola Moses.
We didn’t send Warid Pesa Man. He’d sit there, smiling and showing off his tight pants…Africa would vote to see that every day.
Warid Pesa Man: No gonads. No time to get proper-fitting pants
In other news, the Uganda Cranes showed flat-footed, no-game-having, two-left-foot-having Liberians a thing about soccer this weekend. Yay us.